That unspeakable feeling

Some of us have one or more an unspeakable feeling or feelings in our lives about something or someone. The unspeakable feelings can cause a lot of pain both emotional and physical. I know that’s prevalent for me. I call them unspeakable because they may be so personal and painful that you don’t want to share those feelings with anyone for fear that won’t understand, not know what to say or do, or even worse not care at all. My unspeakable feelings have been with me for years and have increased within the past year. They are something I live with on a daily basis it’s as if these painful emotional and physical unspeakable feelings seem to always loom over me. We all may feel or have felt that way. I guess the next best this is try to figure out a way to deal with these unspeakable feelings caused by pain. Some people try to numb the feelings with alcohol, drugs, or whatever else they can think of. That normally leads to more pain and more unspeakable feelings. I don’t think you can ever stop feeling the pain from whatever happen to you emotionally or physically. Well, if it’s physical you can carefully take the pain medication to manage the feeling of pain. Dealing with the unspeakable feeling of emotional pain is not that easy yes, there is medication for it but, it may not be enough. That unspeakable feeling may creep back I know it has done that for me. You don’t want to walk around with these unspeakable feelings forever. I know from experience it’s not the best thing for you. I guess the best way to deal with is to actually speak about the feelings with someone you can truly trust. You don’t want to live your life with your life having that unspeakable feeling.

I can say that I have a black friend

Tonight, the Democratic Party nominated the first African American to lead a major political party in the United States. Tomorrow, he will formally accept the nomination on the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream speech. For those of you who think that these events will magically wipe out years of racial ignorance or just flat-out racism, I give you some examples why that isn’t so. I was with some old “friends” earlier this year and the touchy topic of politics came up. One of them said,” I like my president old and white, that’s how it should be.” I guess he forgot I was black or can hear and understand English. It amazes me what people will think is acceptable. I've had people (mainly white) tell me that you speak so articulately which is not the complement you think it is. I don’t know how to speak any other way I’ve had this speech pattern for 30 yrs now.How am I supposed to sound like a character in a Blaxploitation film? I guess I could try to slang it up or use a “blackcent” (black accent) I’d only sound goofy. When I worked at Borders this guy would be embarrassed and upset by the corporate sells lady who is black and spoke with a “blackcent” (according to him) to customers which he thought could hurt sells (I don’t know why he cared we never saw that money) He would voice these complaints to me! What was I supposed to do work a My Fair Lady thing on her? I’m no Professor Henry Higgins (Rex Harrison). When I was younger, people used to come up to me and ask if they could touch my hair because they never felt a black person's hair before! (really?) I've had people tell me that I can't be completely black because I'm smart and I because love stuff like French films and Brian Eno (not together).Even when I was in high school I dressed in colorful and "non black” clothing with skate shoes and shirts. I also listened to a lot of alternative music.I was made fun for those thing druring my time at Hammond High most by black people. Now, when I’m at the mall I see young black kids dressing the same as I did with their skateboards also rappers are crossing genres in a non ironic or patronizing way. (if you can sample a song Can you’re golden).It's weird growing up and even now I'm normally the only other black guy at a show or boring French Film sometimes people give me a look saying," what is he doing here?" when I was younger I thought I had to prove myself that I belonged there or something. The idea of Black people in America is changing for the better with the help of Barack Obama and his lovely wife and countless others that just live not in the mold the media or society but has placed us in for years But, they're living as good honest people regardless of race ,is'nt that America is about? But,we are a strong people we will over come any negativity with our blend of positivity!

The things I lost and the things I have gained part 2: Wrapping up

After three times a week for a year I finished my last bit of occupational therapy this week I had already finished physical therapy and a touch a speech therapy a few months ago. I also did a stint in cardiac rehab again for 3 months. Now, this is all I did for a year! I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing I guess you could say I’m apathetic about it. I’m not where I thought was going to be or want to be physically I still need to do arm exercises at home to regain strength and full use I do a ton of walking for my leg around my neighborhood or the mall (it’s walking distance from my house) I do get really frustrated being able to only use one arm to do everything however, I’ve gotten pretty good at it. But, this is not the life I want it’s like being trapped in your on body. I’ve been like this for a year. Sometimes I think people who haven’t had a stroke don’t realize how hard it is to give up your independence or give up the simple things you like to do. You quickly realize how much you took that stuff for granted and you want nothing more to do those boring mundane things again. I do look back and see how far I’ve come physically and I’m kinda impressed. There are things about this stroke I hate with in reason aside from all the physical set backs and disappointments. There is the emotional and personal stuff I deal with on a day to day level. I’ll talk to a few people I knew pre-stroke and when they’re not patronizing me or making awkward and phony conversation they’re treating me like as if a stroke is contagious (it’s not trust me.) they basically treat me kind of “wired”. Someone said to me,” Maybe they don’t know how to deal with it” well, that’s good if I was caught stealing from Claire’s or something. But, I’m the one that had the “tragedy” and I 'm the one who is dealing with the "pain"! Treat me the same way you did before June 17th 2007.With all that whining aside from this stroke I’m learning to adjust and move on. I used to think the phrase “count your blessings” was nothing more that tacky sentimental stuff you say to someone you don’t want to deal with. But, now I’m like,” Yeah, that makes sense in a way” I’m able to work at a job that you can do with one hand.(and watch movies) I have the support of my family a few key friends. Going through this has forced me to “grow up” emotionally and learning how to deal with things better. I’ve meet some wonderful people during this whole thing I’m learning the fine art of humility. I’ve learned what a church isn’t and what one is the same could be said about friends or relationships .A part of me is like, “ those are things I’m having to settle on” but, the truth is those are things that are helping me to recover from everything this past year. I have a strong feeling that all what I’m going through will be wrapping up very soon. And I need people as well as myself to continue to have absolute faith in God without any doubt that He will restore me back to good health! My stroke has been all I’ve known for a year it has been both a setback and advancement for me. But, I’m looking forward to the next thing in my life that will advance me to greater things as all this is wrapping up.

FYI

I just realized or someone pointed it out is what really what happend (Thanks Bunnie) that not everyone could post comments on my blog. Well, I fixed that so anyone can post a comment or two you don't need a Blogger account. So feel free to comment away.It's really no big deal but, I'd love to hear your feed back!
Manny

You Pretentious Jerk!

I saw Dark Knight not too long ago. This is not a post on how much I loved it or what I learned from it or anything deep like that, because I hated that movie (I almost walked out). I’m not going to list why I hated so much because I don’t want to give away anything (your welcome). And if I learned anything I learned that I’m not into "over-hyped" movies that are driven by action rather than a good story with good performances. The Dark Knight lacked one of those and it was not Heather Ledger because he was great or whatever. With my dislike of the movie that everyone and their mother is going bonkers over made me think," Have I become so pretentious or that I can’t enjoy that movie or any movie like that? Or can I really enjoy anything in everyday life or pop culture for that matter"? Maybe it's just I'm really particular about what I like and how I live.I have been pondering that for sometime now. So I decided to list the top 15 things that would make me seem so pretentious that I can’t enjoy everyday stuff. Maybe the list will show that I’m just really particular or just pretentious.
1.French New Wave films are my favorite type of films.
2.I refuse to listen to the radio that’s not jazz, classical, or NPR.
3.I’m a picky vegetarian and apretty much a picky eater.
4.I really don't conversing with most people about music or films. (I think thatjust makes me kinda of jerk)
5.I refer to movies as films.
6.I prefer shopping at boutiques than the mall.(Don't get me wrong I still shop at and love the mall)
7.I’m one of those people who enjoy the original rather than the remake.
8.Fashion and looking good is just that important to me. (That makes me kind of gay)
9.I hate irony on any level.
10.I won’t buy clothing at Target that is not underwear or lounge/workout clothing.
11.I tend to listen to or watch moslty obscure and avant-garde films, music and comedy groups.
12.I love theater but,not musicals so much.
13.I think Charlie Rose is cool.(This makes me a dork)
14.I normally dislike things based on it's level of trendiness or if it's overrated.
15.I blog and make lists on this blog.
Now, you have all the info you you need. So is Manny an eye rolling prententious jerk (Oh, Lord I hope not) or is Manny a handsome particular guy?

Wanna know a secret?

There are times obscure amazing bands and artist goes ignored, underappreciated, and over shadowed by tacky, trendy, and unoriginal music that is found on the radio, Mtv and the biggest problem American Idol! These are bands that influence the people that the people today are ripping off. Those bands that are ignored are actually some of my favorite bands and artists.




Gang of Four: Hailing from Leeds Gang of Four made some of the best post punk music in its early stages. What makes Gang of Four stand out is that they blended political theories, culture and status issues effecting England at the time, and love. They were able to do all this with a tight “grooving” sound that can make you either pump your fist in the air with rage or get on the dance floor. Gang of Four was influenced and at the same time influenced generations of music that I have grown to love.I’ve seen Gang of Four twice and after 28 years they conveyed the same rage, confusion, passion, “groove”,and loss of identity of any band now or of it’stime.
Album of choice: Entertainment!






Os Mutantes: Pretty much unknown in the U.S. but, wildly popular in their native country of Brazil. Os Mutantes or “You Mutants” in English were one of the most dynamic, radical, and smart bands of both the psychedelic rock and Brazilian pop.quite an accomplishment during a period when most every rock band spent quality time exploring the outer limits of pop music. A trio of brash musical experimentalists, the group fiddled with distortion, feedback, musique concrète, and studio tricks of all kinds to create a lighthearted, playful version of extreme Brazilian pop. Although,they sang only in Portuguese you are able to understand the universal language of good music. Os Mutantes went outside the realms of psychedelic rock and Brazilian pop with amazing guitar work and complex sounds to make their own version of music that really hasn’t been matched.
Album of choice: Everything is possible





Monks: One of the strangest stories in rock history, the Monks were formed in the early '60s by American G.I.s stationed in Germany. After their discharge, the group stayed on in Germany as the Torquays, a fairly standard beat band. After changing their name to the Monks in the mid-'60s, they also changed their music, attitude, and appearance radically. Gone were standard oldie covers, replaced by furious, minimalist original material that anticipated the blunt, harsh commentary of the punk era. Their insistent rhythms recalled martial beats and polkas as much as garage rock, and the weirdness quotient was heightened by electric banjo, berserk organ runs, and occasional bursts of feedback guitar. To prove that they meant business, the Monks shaved the top of their heads and performed their songs — crude diatribes about the Vietnam war, dehumanized society, and love/hate affairs with girls — in actual monks' clothing. The Monks only gained a cult following among collectors, and has ironically made them much more popular and influential on an international level than they were during their lifetime.
Album of choice:Black Monk Time




Ester Drang: One of my favorite bands coming out of Broken Arrow Oklahoma. I saw then open for another band about 7 years ago and blew me away Ester Drang have composed a sweet daydream trip since their 1995 formation. The best way to describe their sound is, if Brian Eno was in My Bloody Valentine and played “space rock and “shoe gaze (that’s a good thing).The lyric work shows these boys have grown up in a faith based way but, they tackle love, depression in a non over bearing patronizing way .I’ve seen Ester Drang around 4 times and each show had a inviting warmth to it. I have all their albums and each one together they derived a lush, bittersweet sound. I’ve also met chatted with the members over a beer after a show in Baltimore and theses guys wear their hearts on their sleeves. They were real and approachable. The drummer actually remembered me from another show where I recommended some obscure hip-hop to him! In a way I’m glad they are so under the radar because it keep them from becoming and sounding phony and fabricated like most bands today.
Album of choice: Infinite Keys

Now, any developed music scholar would have heard of at least one or two of these bands. What I like about these amazing bands obscurity is that it makes them seem like they are the best kept secret to me and other music scholars that we hold on to a appercaite more because we took the extra effort did our homework, went to shows , and most importantly did not settle for whatever is out there. My advice to you is to look deeper and find your little secret!
Manny

The things I have lost and the things I have gained part 1:The overview

It was about this time last year I had my stroke and I’ve lost and gained a lot these past 365-like days. I know I’ve temporally lost my independence the use of my left arm, my independence, my self confidence, my sight (at times)about 20 or so pounds it’s the stroke survivor/vegetarian diet( only I can make that joke) people may treat me "wierd" or think I'm disabled. But,it almost seems worth it with the things I know I’ve gained forever a deeper, stronger, and real relationships with Christ and with family and friends, an unreal peace, stronger faith in Him and knowing that He will heal me completely.I look at my life a year or so ago and see how much I have changed not only psychically but, spiritually emotionally, and mentally. I sometimes think and say, “I’ve lost a year of my life recovering from this stroke.” I've said that twice once to my psychical therapist, Judy and she said,"You did not lose a year you’re taking a small detour to get yourself back together” I also said it to my friend Reese and she said something very similar to Judy she said,“You haven’t lost a year,you’ve gained a new life of possibilities." Both the things they said are true and mean a lot to me. During this “detour” and some of the endless possibilities God is showing me and doing amazing things in my life. I know that God is not only restoring my health completely He is obviously restoring me spiritually emotionally, and mentally. At the time in my life when I had my stroke I’ll spare you the details and say I was at a place where God could not reach me. He didn’t give me this stroke to punish me. I believe He did it for several reasons:
1. To stop me from continuing to ruin my life
2. To show me His power, grace, mercy, love, peace, and understanding.
3. To humble me and my spirit on different levels
4. To softened my heart to the elderly (my people) and the disabled.
5. He allowed me to experience both good and bad things that will change my life and can use to minister to others.
Those five things are just the very start of what God is doing, did, and the amazing things He will do.I’ve also learned are that I can not settle where I may be physically or where I'm at with my recovery and have the faith that God willcontiue heal completely me also do the work that goes along with stroke recovery. I’m learning not to accept the negative or short-sighted things people see or say to me about or my stroke recovery. In the same way not to accept what I see in front of me and have “eyes of faith” that God will continue to do His work in me and fulfill His promises and do unorthodox things with faith and works! (Read Hebrews 11) I will have to admit this journey is not always easy. I have gone through things psychically that someone my age should not go through. I’ve experienced all sorts of rejection, loneliness, anger, doubt, humiliation, stress and heartache. But, I know as I’ve mentioned before God is not putting me through this for nothing. I believe is preparing me for something great and He will not put us through something we could not handle James 1:2-4,5:7-10. As German philosopher Nietzsche said, “What does not kill me makes me stronger”applies to my life. I may have bad days but,if I and others continue to hold on to God, His blessings, His word, and never failing promises we will see great things happen!